Six Things You Should Never Say to Someone With Health Challenges; What to Say Instead
It is difficult to know what to say when a loved one is suffering from health challenges. Here is a tip sheet with six categories of comments to avoid, and why they could be hurtful to those who hear them. Read on to learn how your words can bless someone who needs encouragement. Don't miss out on the prayer and questions at the end!
THE SIX COMMENT CATEGORIES TO AVOID, AND WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:
1. I Have the Answer for Your Illness:
A positive mindset is healing, so don’t speak about your illness!
You just need to get out more/do more, and you would feel better.
I heard of/knew someone with (cancer, similar ailment, etc.) and they (ate this, stopped eating this, tried the supplement I am selling, etc.) and were healed!
Maybe you should stop seeing conventional doctors.
These comments undermine by presuming that you know how to manage the person’s illness.
What to Say Instead:
Have you found anything that helps you to feel better?
Can I do anything to help? How can I pray for you?
Affirm the person who is suffering by acknowledging their search for answers, then show them that you want to be part of the solution.
2. God is Teaching You a Lesson:
You will not waste your cancer! You will learn everything God wants to teach you from it.
Unconfessed sin, many variations: Do you have unconfessed sin? That may be the reason you are ill. God wants to heal you, but perhaps your sickness is a result of a generational curse?
These comments link illness to a person’s spiritual life, suggesting the need for more spiritual growth than a healthy person.
What to Say Instead:
I am sorry that you are sick. I am here for you.
Remember Job’s “miserable comforters,” and refrain from speaking your own limited wisdom into someone else’s suffering. Companionable silence speaks volumes.
3. The Unhelpful “Helpful” Comments:
At least you don’t have (cancer, other diseases) …
My relative died from the same disease you have but lived a long time with it first (by eating this, not eating that, being positive, etc.)
I’m sorry no one has visited you, but no one sees you volunteering anymore. It’s the sad truth of “out of sight, out of mind.”
These comments make light of the suffering and isolation experienced by those with illness.
What to Say Instead:
Listen before you speak by asking questions: How does it feel to live with (chronic pain, cancer, other illness)?
What can I do to help you feel less alone or isolated? How can I help you through this season?
Asking questions shows that you want to listen to and connect with the person who has illness more than you want to give flippant advice.
4. Assessing Their Looks for Signs of Illness:
You look great! No one can tell that you have chronic pain.
You don’t look good; I am worried about you.
These comments imply that you (or others) may have doubts or fears about someone else’s illness, which is not helpful to the listener.
What to Say Instead:
I am so happy to see you!
You are enduring your illness with great dignity and strength; you amaze me.
You have beauty that illness can never take away.
Focus on inner beauty and on the things that never change. Affirm the person without mentioning your doubts or fears about their illness.
5. The “I Know What God Will Do” Comments:
God will heal you if you have enough faith.
I know you will be miraculously healed because I have faith for your healing.
These comments foster disappointment in God if miraculous healing does not occur.
What to Say Instead:
I will continue to pray for your healing and that God will fully equip you during this season.
You are not alone in your pain or illness. I am here for you, and God loves you and will never leave you.
Your humility, compassion, and faith should all work together when you support those with illness. Remember that God’s ways are higher than ours; we do not always know or understand His plans for someone’s life, so be careful not to present your hopes and desires as God’s plan.
6. The “What I Would Do” Speech:
To a chronic pain patient: “I could never go through what you go through; I would give up.”
To a cancer patient going through chemo: “If I got cancer, I would never have chemo!”
These disheartening comments imply that someone should stop fighting to survive illness.
What to Say Instead:
I am so amazed at your strength, courage, and tenacity.
Where do you get the strength to fight illness? How can I encourage you when you feel like giving up?
These comments recognize the real hardships of illness. They do not discount the choices made by the person who is suffering.
Have you ever heard any of the above comments?
I have heard all of them, sadly, and they never bring the encouragement intended by the speaker. Let us learn from them and instead offer something of value to those who suffer.
Sometimes unhelpful words arise out of the speaker’s genuine hopes and beliefs about healing. In their enthusiasm, they do not consider the impact of their words. Other people follow the poor example of Job’s false comforters; their advice offers little comfort.
A sincere desire to offer helpful advice or encouragement must always be coupled with humility, godly wisdom, and empathy. Remember that companionable silence and a listening ear speak volumes.
Prayer: Lord, sometimes I have made unhelpful comments, and other times I have been the recipient of them. May the law of kindness be on my tongue and may the freedom of forgiveness be in my heart. Help me to speak that which will build other people up according to their needs. May my words will be a beneficial balm of healing to those who suffer. Set a guard over my lips, and help me listen before I speak, remembering that companionable silence often speaks the loudest. In Jesus’ Name, amen.
For Further Thought:
- Have you ever said any of these comments to someone with health issues? How did they respond?
- Have you ever been the recipient of misguided comments concerning your health? How did they make you feel? Did they encourage you towards healthy friendship and a closer walk with God? Why or why not?
- How can you respond when someone gives well-meaning but unhelpful advice about your illness? How can you be a source of godly wisdom and comfort for others who are ill?
Comment with your answers to the above questions, or share what you wish someone would say to encourage you during your health challenges. Your comments might just help someone else!
With love and blessings,
Andrea
